Tuesday, August 17, 2010
i can see and hear @ 12:53 AM
i can hear the things you're saying.
saying how i'm lazy. i know you want to say how stupid you're only daughter is...
just don't hold back because i've heard it before...
i grew up hearing that i'm stupid, lazy, and fat.
it's not new news...it's plain old news for me....
i could see the facial expression you give me...
it shows that you're mad, embarrassed, hurt, and sick of me...
i understand why.
that's why i ask God why he created me...
but do you know how much you both had hurt me emotionally...
calling me
-stupid, dumb, fat, and saying how you feel so embarrassed when i'm home.
it hurts so bad that it makes me cry every night as i go to bed.
sometimes i wonder how it would be if i never existed
i've always imagine that every since middle school.
i also wonder what would happen if i died...
would miss me.....
you know why i never wanted to show any report cards or test score to you guys because i know you both will hurt me with the words coming out of your mouth....
until now...
in high school i tried my absolutely best to get in the honor roll and i did...
i never get any appreciation from that.
all i hear was good with no excitement coming from the word.
i graduated from high school and was about to bail out of going...
i took piano lesson for 12 years and you didn't even show or happy to be there....
after graduating from high school i was happy to be going to a school that is far. while in puc i didn't cry a single tears for leaving home....
didn't get that much phone call from any of you both....
never visit me for any single weekend or parents weekend.
all my friends had their parents come to visit them at least once but my parents never while in puc.
my friend even told me if my parents are coming i had to think a reason why you both can't come.
after i transfer to uc i randomly cried.
you both were shock i cried....
you knew that i'm just far from home but the actual reason was that it was a sudden move and i missed my puc friends.
i didn't want to make friends because everyone seems to be so different.
i cried randomly in the room while my roommate is out.
i eat in the room every day, after class went straight to the room, never attended any asb events, and socialized.
second semester came around and made a few friends. then i decided that next year will be different and make new friends and become socialized and i did.
but still i hardly got any calls from any of you....
just random text and just school related purposed calls...
the most thing that i hate and that hurts me is comparing me to RYAN or any of my other church friends.
saying how they already finish school and making money...
do you realized why that hurt me...
is because it gives me so much pressure.
you don't know how my church friends hurt me to...
they make fun and joke about how i pronounce my words and sentences.
they don't know they hurt me because i keep a happy face.
after telling you guys what happened...
dad you took it as if i'm a failure and tell me to just work at some store for the rest of my entire life. you seem like you don't have faith in me at all. you started saying how stupid i am. dont you know psychology! i break down and cry and left to go for a walk around the block. i wanted to be in myers elementary school were i know it's safe and think of all the memories i had going to that school to make me cheer up. you came by and show no sympathy.
mom you took it hard. you didnt hear from me and i know i hurt you the most. you gave me everything i want....you're not a bad mother. you just work so hard and never had the time to sit with me and help me with my homework. the only thing i remember you helped me was my multiplication which was way in the 3rd grade. you told me that it's never to let....
you also say don't be depressed which it's hard to do cause i've been stressing and depressed. you told me when i was about to go to puc that do nursing 1st and after you finish you can do anything you want....well..that have stick to me ever since. you give me sympathy but i know inside you're hurt and i'm so very sorry that you have to have a daughter like me.
yes, sometimes i just want to run away far far away from everything and be in a place where is peaceful....
Labels: feelings
